By Dr. Micaela Thordarson, a pediatric psychologist who manages Rady Children’s Hospital Orange County’s outpatient clinics that serve suicidal youth and their families
Suicide is the second-leading cause of death in children and young adults between the ages of 10 and 24. And over the past decade, kids between 8 and 12 have experienced the sharpest increase in suicidal thoughts.
More than ever, it’s critical for parents to talk to their children about suicide.
As a manager of outpatient clinics that treat suicidal children, I’m often asked about the reasons behind this devastating mental health crisis.
Is it social media? Being bullied? Issues with parents?
Most people think there’s one reason. Unfortunately, it’s a lot more complicated than that. If there were one reason, suicide risk would be much easier to treat. The scary thing is, it’s almost always a mixture of things.
Trying to educate yourself about the causes of suicidal thoughts can be helpful. As a parent, focusing on this still has limitations because you never really know when, where, or why suicidal thoughts or risks can come from.
So, I tell parents not to be afraid to check in with your kids.
A safe person to talk to
Asking about suicide does not put suicidal thoughts into a person’s mind.
It does not make things worse.
Still, most parents are afraid they will put the thought in their child’s mind.
For a minor who is actually suicidal, to have someone ask and really want to hear the answer can be very relieving, because now they’re no longer alone in their suffering.
As for bringing up the subject with your child, consider not coming at the topic head on.
Say something like: “Hey, I’ve been reading news reports that a lot of kids are thinking about suicide. Have any of your friends been talking about this?” And then you can ask, “Have you ever had thoughts like that?”
This approach works because it doesn’t put your child on the defensive. And when you start speaking about the issue in general, you’re easing into the topic. What you’re telling your child is, this issue interests me and it worries me. I care.
When you ask your child if they know any peers who are having suicidal thoughts, what you’re saying is: “Let’s bring this issue into our world. I’m not afraid to ask you this question or hear your answer.”
And if your child denies having suicidal thoughts, if you respond calmly and with curiosity, there’s a good chance that, if they actually are suicidal, they will tell you.
Just by showing you’re a trusted adult who is not afraid of this topic, you’re giving your child a green flag that tells them, “My parent is a safe person to talk to.”
And, research shows that suicidal minors need to tell an adult about their thoughts if they want to increase their chances of getting help. Adults (a teacher, a neighbor — not necessarily a suicidal child’s parents) are the conduits to how we’re getting children access to the care they need.
Here are some online resources for parents with a child experiencing a mental health crisis:
