By Elizabeth Mu, a licensed marriage and family therapist and mental health therapist in the Intensive Outpatient Program at Rady Children’s Health, formerly CHOC
Valentine’s Day can be a wonderful opportunity to celebrate those special people in your life. And yet, for many, Feb. 14 can feel stressful or filled with worries about not having the type of love we want or that we think we’re supposed to have.
But what if we flipped the script this Valentine’s Day and gave ourselves love and attention instead? Self-love builds resiliency in all types of relationships.
Starved for love?
Growing up, kids get all sorts of messages from fairytales that the ultimate happy ending of a story involves wedding bells. Unfortunately, we end up with this idea that we’re not complete unless we have romantic love and we can be determined to get it, regardless of the quality of that love. It becomes so easy to betray ourselves in pursuit of others. When you learn to create love for yourself, you’re never going to be starving for it.
Consider this metaphor inspired by Don Miguel Ruiz’s “The Four Agreements.” If you were starving and suddenly someone showed up on your doorstep and handed you a moldy piece of pizza, you’d almost certainly eat it. But if you knew how to make your own pizza with fresh ingredients you love, you could provide your own meal. When you learn to create your own love for yourself, you’re not going to accept just any old love that comes your way.
So how do we build self-love and a meaningful relationship with ourselves?
Words matter
Are you speaking to yourself the way you would to a good friend? Or do you tend to be hard on yourself, set unfair expectations or even call yourself names?
When things go wrong, instead of thinking, “I’m a loser. I can’t do anything right,” try catching yourself and say instead, “I’m doing my best” or “This is really hard for me right now.” We can honor how we feel while balancing the negative thoughts with some words of acceptance.
Make time to reflect on what’s important to you, which may be different from what’s important to your peers or family members. The more you can figure out what your values are, the stronger a sense of self and purpose you’ll have.
Take yourself on a date
Just like any other important person in your life, you need to spend enjoyable time with yourself. Get comfortable with yourself and who you are when you’re on your own. Remember, you are the longest relationship you’ll ever have.
And when you do spend time with other loved ones in your life, pay attention to how you feel afterward. Do you end up feeling expanded, lightened and fulfilled? Do you feel emptied? Make sure you’re getting enough time with people who recharge your emotional battery.
While self-love isn’t something that happens overnight, intentional practices like these can help build that sense of self over time. So, this Valentine’s Day, set some time aside to spend with a very special someone … you! Might I suggest enjoying a nice slice of pizza?
Read the full column here.
